On the Wing
by BrucasGrl309
Summary: I couldn't remember the last five years of my life. I was determined for things to go back to normal. But, I realized, no matter how hard I tried, some things would never be the same again. B/C.Future.AU
1. Two Years Earlier

A/N: So this is the 'sequal' to _In My Heart_. However, you don't need to read the first one to understand this one. I'd love a beta reader so if your interested, PM me. I'm not sure how all that works so if you could explain it, that would be great! Also I apologize for my other unfinished fic. I just wasn't so into the story but I do intend on finishing it. It's already planned out, so it will be finished. Enjoy.

_**Chapter 1: Two Years Earlier**_

-X-X-

_When I was little, maybe nine or ten, I watched my parents argue for the very first time. They were throwing out words that I had never heard before and wouldn't hear again until high school. I remember sitting at the kitchen table, eating my milk soaked cheerios, wondering exactly what was wrong. None of my friends at school ever mentioned that their parents argued and so I was sure that my family was unique, but not in a good way. Daddy left for four days, leaving my mother locked in her room, crying to herself. And then he came back, with a tan and a tattoo of a snake on the back of his right shoulder. And then after that, my parents pretended that those four days had never happened and everything went back to normal. To this day, I still have no idea what their argument had been about. I just remember wondering why it had been so easy for them to forgive each other. I like to believe that it was their love for each other that allowed them survive that fight. _

_Yet, five years later, Daddy decided to leave my mother. It seemed out of the blue, really. One day, he was whispering 'I love you' in her ear and the next, he packed his bags and booked two plane tickets to France. This time, there was no fight and no screaming. Daddy left my mother a goodbye letter, explaining everything in excruciating detail. Never in his life had he expected or planned for something like this to happen. He still loved her and me but it wasn't the same anymore. Roman, his lover, made him feel like a new man. This was his choice and though it had not been easy, he knew that it was for the best. And so, through my observations of my parents marriage, I realized one last thing. My mother had married her best friend. That was what Daddy was to her. That was why forgiveness came so easily between the two of them. She knew that things would eventually work out anyway. Forgiveness comes the easiest between two very different relationships. Soul mates and best friends. _

_-X-X-_

_The sun was setting, and I was alone. My eyes flickered around as I tried to remember what I was looking for. Around me, the streets of Manhattan were empty, except for the occasional yellow taxi that zoomed by. "Dylan?" I called out for my son. How old was he again? Three...four? I couldn't really remember "Honey, come on, it's not safe out here."_

_My heart began beating faster as I picked up speed. I had no shoes on; I realized as I looked down at my feet. The cement was wet and cold beneath my pink toes, sending a stinging pain up my legs. I froze when I realized someone was behind me. They were whispering something and I had to stop walking to make out the words "You have to find him, Blair. He is your only hope." I knew the voice, and yet the person's face was fuzzy in my mind "I love you, Blair, but you have to let me go. Save him, Blair, before it's too late."_

_The scenery in front of me changed, and all of a sudden, I was outside of New York, standing beside a train track. As I looked down at the tracks, to my horror, I saw my young son lying there. He wasn't four, he was only a baby. Wrapped up in a light blue blanket, his hands were sticking out, grasping at the air. In the distance, I could hear the air horn from the train screaming as it came closer. I moved forward, trying to grab my baby before it was too late._

_And then it all happened very quickly. Someone grabbed my arms from behind, pulling me away "No!" I screamed, my eyes following the train as it picked up speed, coming straight for Dylan. I turned around and realized who was pulling me back. Chuck. His dark eyes seemed to stay concentrated on me, instead of our son. _

"_Chuck, let go! I have to save him before it's too late!" I tried to get away from him but his hands just held on tighter. I swallowed and tried to scream again but nothing came out. _

"_It's not him, Blair, it's me. You have to save me, Blair. You're letting me go and you don't even seem to notice." The sound of the train disappeared and all of the sudden, everything went dark around me. _

He spoke again, pulling me out of my dream "It's me, Blair."

I opened my eyes and realized that Chuck was sitting beside me, smoothing his rough hand over the side of my face. He smiled, relieved, and kissed me on the forehead. Something was different about him...older, more mature. "You slipped in the shower and hit your head. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I think." I said, beginning to feel the throbbing pain at the back of my head. I tried to smile as I lifted my head and felt, with my hand, the goose egg that had formed "Damn, how did I do that?"

"You tell me." Chuck snickered, helping me sit up "I heard a scream and a thud. I know you told me not to interrupt when you're taking a shower but I couldn't help it." His smile made me blush. Was he still talking about my fall?

I nodded and looked around, noticing how different our bedroom was. Our bed, which Chuck had layed me down on, was facing away from the window, and there was a flat screen on the wall in front of me. We never had a television in our bedroom. This was still my room, I was sure of it, but someone had changed everything.

I thought back to my dream, for a moment, forgetting the strangeness of my surroundings "Is Dylan okay?" I asked, wondering what had happened after I woke up.

Chuck's face went blank and I could see the confusion mixed with pain in his eyes. He mumbled something under his breath, keeping his eyes on me. I watched as he pulled out a thin black cell phone from his back pocket and began dialing "Maybe I should take you to see the doctor."

I glanced around again and noticed that our family portrait, which usually sat on my nightstand, was missing. I leaned over and touched the dark wood where it usually sat and winced. There was something I was missing. Something had happened. Tears were welling up in my eyes and I wasn't even sure why.

"Yes, hello, Doctor. Blair fell. Yes, I know." Chuck nodded, looking up at me occasionally, clearly worried. His warm fingers brushed away the tears that were dripping from my eyes "No, it's just that she doesn't seem to remember what happened. Yes, exactly. Okay" He pulled the phone away from his ear and placed it back into his pocket.

"Chuck, what is going on? Why is everything so different? What did you do with the picture on my nightstand?" I had too many questions and I couldn't seem to get them all out fast enough..

"Blair, I'm taking you to see your doctor. I think you hit your head harder than I thought." He put his arms behind me and lifted me up from the bed. I grabbed him around the neck, holding on as he moved me. I felt fine, except for the occasional pulsing sensation from the back of my head.

"Chuck, relax, I'm not dying. I just hit my head. It'll heal." I said as he stood me back on the floor, running to my closet and pulling out a thin cotton shirt and a pair of black shorts. I was instantly worried about what type of shoes he would pick to go with these and so I yelled out some help "The black flats in the back." He continued to search through my large collection, ignoring my help. After a few minutes, he pulled out a pair of white flip-flops that were clearly not mine. I'd kill myself before I wore those. "I won't wear them." I spit out, hoping that I could somehow convince him to listen to me and give me _my_ shoes.

He looked up and kinked his eyebrow "Fine, barefoot it is then." He put the clothes on my bed and left the room, closing the door behind him. I walked into my closet and pulled out the black flats. _Men_, I sighed. They never listen.

I dressed quickly, feeling the clothes fit snug across my hips and stomach. I heard two knocks on the door and the he walked back inside. I wondered what his reason for leaving was. In the three years that we had been married, I had never once asked to be alone while I got dressed. Nor had I ever asked to be let alone while I showered...

He smiled and stuck out his hand for me to take. He pulled me by the arm out into the hallway. I looked to my left, glancing through the door at Dylan's room. I felt the edges of my mouth rise. Unlike my bedroom, his was still the way it had always been. Everything was perfect, just like I had designed it. My eyes followed to the dark blue walls, the carved rosewood crib, and the hundreds of teddy bears in every corner. I laughed, thinking back to last week, when Chuck had come home with another one.

Chuck glanced over my shoulder, noticing how concentrated I was on Dylan's room. This seemed to upset him even more, and he began moving us faster down the long hallway.

"Wait," I said, trying to stop him from pulling me down the stairs after him. I yelled a little louder "Where is he? Chuck, where is he?"

Chuck sighed and shook his head "Damn it, Blair. Dylan is _gone_. Don't you remember?" I had no idea what he was talking about. He shook his head and I was sure that I could see tears in his eyes "How could you forget? He's gone, Blair. Dylan is gone."

"Gone where?" I began to panic, imagining big men dressed in black taking my baby away. That had always been one of my fears; losing my baby boy. I knew that people looked down upon teenage mothers, especially me. I had slept with two men. Chuck Bass and Nate Archibald. It was my mistake that turned them into enemies for over three years. Chuck could never get over the fact that Nate had loved me first and that I loved him too. Countless times, I had to prove to him that I was his, no matter how hard Nate tried to get me back. I had made my choice. I chose my son and his father over my first love. And so, the idea of child services taking Dylan away always sat at the back of my mind, eating away at me.

"He's dead, Blair." Chuck hissed, not even noticing how I stumbled down the stairs behind him. I was suddenly unaware of my legs. Those words just continued repeating in my mind. It seemed that my head was the least of my worries. I was going to show up at the hospital with bruises all over my body. I slapped him on the back of his head, feeling the tears in my eyes speed up their pace.

"What the hell, Chuck? Why would you say that?" And then I saw the living room. The furniture has been changed, from our usual big caramel colored suede couches to smaller, harder black leather ones. The walls were painted a light green and there were thick, black curtains hanging from the windows. All of Dylan's toys that were usually scattered across the hardwood floor were also gone. It reminded me of a show home, where everything was placed just right, and no one used anything.

"I'm saying that because it's true, Blair." He said pulled me into the elevator, only glancing at me occasionally.

I wondered what happened to the caring Chuck back in our bedroom. The one who dried away me tears and kissed me on the forehead. This Chuck, standing stiffly beside me, was clearly pissed. I looked down at his hand, the one that wasn't holding onto my hand and noticed how it clenched and relaxed repeatedly.

When we showed up at the hospital, the nurse behind the desk looked sympathetically between the two of us. Chuck passed her a folded white piece of paper and pointed toward the doors leading to the waiting room "He's expecting us."

She read through the note and nodded "Yes, of course. He'll see you right away." With that, she lead the two of us through the doors, passing all of the waiting people. She left us alone in a small room with two chairs and a hospital bed. Chuck made me sit on the bed while he took the chair farthest away from me. "_He's dead, Blair._"

After a few minutes, the doctor appeared at the door "Ms. Bass. It's so nice to see you again." He smiled and stuck out his hand for me to shake.

"It's so nice to meet you." I shook his hand and smiled back. He reminded me of my father, aged and caring. I watched as something in his eyes changed. He was considering my answer.

"Yes, of course." He said matter-of-factly and smiled at Chuck. I felt even more in the dark. Chuck's words were circling my mind and I had to force them back, trying to stay calm.

"See what I mean?" Chuck sighed, motioning to me "I think she's forgotten the past five years completely."

The doctor nodded, his eyes moving back to me "Tell me, Ms. Bass, what is the last thing you remember?"

I sighed and began to talk about what I did yesterday. I told them, even though Chuck knew the story, about how I dropped Dylan off with my mother, and went shopping with Serena. I skipped over my argument with her over my eating habits. I already knew what he would say. _It's not healthy, Blair. You've got to eat. _Then I told them about how Serena and I went shopping at Bergdorf's. I watched as the two men exchanged a look and nodded.

"Alright, Ms. Bass, I believe I know what is going on. We will still have to take you for some tests.."

"What?" I frowned and straightened up, looking from the doctor to Chuck. They both seemed calm enough, as if none of this was out of the ordinary.

For the next fifteen minutes, the doctor went through what he believed had happened to me. I knew the word before he said it out loud. Amnesia. I had slipped, and hit my head just a little too hard. It had caused my brain to lose track of things leading up to the accident. There was no way of telling how long it would last. It could be days, or weeks, or months. He also said that some people never regain all of their memories. They lose a part of their life, so to speak, and it's gone for good. He also assured me that because the trauma to my brain was mild; my chances of regaining all of my memories were quite high. Was that a good thing? I wasn't sure as I thought back to Chuck's words in the apartment. My baby boy…_"How could you forget? He's gone, Blair. Dylan is gone."_


	2. Goodnight My Angel

_**Chapter 2: Goodnight My Angel**_

_At the moment, I have one grandmother and two grandfathers. I consider myself lucky. Alot of the people my age only have one or two left. The other's lives have ended, leaving only pictures and family videos. My grandmother, Anna Cecelia Waldorf, died when I was thirteen. I was old enough that I still remember her voice, her smile, and the way she gave me Tootsie Rolls on my birthday. I also remembered how she would sing me to sleep whenever I stayed over at her house. She loved singing Lullaby by Billy Joel whenever she put me to bed. She knew it by heart, surprisingly. It did the trick everytime. I was always asleep within minutes. Sometimes, when I'm lying in bed, and it's really quiet, I can still hear her singing...'I promised I would never leave you. And you should always know, wherever you may go, no matter where you are, I never will be far away.' She was also the happiest person I knew. I always hoped that I could someday be as happy as she was. _

-X-X-

This was horrible idea. Terrible, really. What was I thinking? Right, I wasn't thinking. Oh god, I sound like my mother.

These were my thoughts as I pulled over a taxi and got in. I knew that Chuck was only seconds behind me. I had to get away from the him and the crazy doctors. I knew that this would only make myself look even worse off than they were. _The girl who hits her head and loses her memory ends up running away. _Well, technically, I wasn't running away. I was going somewhere that I was convinced would still be the same. It was the only thing that ever stayed consistent throughout my entire life. My friendship with Serena.

I leaned my head against the window and closed me eyes. What was I going to do? Things were so different.

"You're Blair Waldorf, right?" The driver asked, glancing towards me. I knew by the sympathetic look in his eyes that he knew about my son. "The co-owner of Bass Industries?"

"I'm Blair Waldorf." I sighed and nodded. I remembered wishing that strangers in the city knew my name. That meant I was important and succesful and happy. Now I realized that wasn't always the case. I kinked an eyebrow "Co-owner of Bass Industries. Really?"

"That's what I hear." He said with a low laugh, in his heavy New York accent.

"Isn't Bart Bass the owner?"

"Not since about five years ago. I remember driving past the scene after the car accident..." He trailed off and glanced back at me once again with the same look "Listen, I know this was along time ago but I'm sorry about your little boy. It was such a shame."

"T-Thanks," I stuttered, realizing that the driver had already pulled up to Serena's apartment building. All I wanted was to get out.

I sucked in a breath and glanced out the window, watching the fluffy white clouds make shapes in the sky, before I opened the cab door. I could only imagine what my face looked like as I tried to calm myself down. My heart felt like it wanted to jump out of my chest.

"Don't worry about the money." He smiled as I reached for the door handle. I nodded and thanked him, before getting out.

"You can do this, Blair." I murmured before taking a step toward the revolving door in front of me. All I wanted was for things to still be the same. If Serena was still the same then I maybe would be able to handle this.

-X-X-

I found her apartment with ease. Five floor, eighth door down. I had been up her countless times through the years. I hesitated before knocking twice. What if she wasn't home? What would I do then?

Luckily, the door opened two minutes later. Though, instead of Serena, a little girl answered. She seemed to be about two and had light blond hair and blue eyes. She was the spitting image of her mother. I wondered who the father was. So, I realized, I had forgotten _at least _two r of my life. I smiled and bent down to her height.

"Is your mommy here?" I asked in a low voice, trying to make eye contact with the little girl. She looked everywhere but at me.

"My mom always takes a nap in the morning." She mumbled and pulled the door open a little wider. A little smile appeared on her face, cuting thin lines across her rosy cheeks "I'm also supposed to be taking a nap."

"You're probably also not supposed to open the door to strangers." I reached out and tried to take her hand. She pulled it behind her back and continued to look at the ground. So I stood back up and pushed the door open a little wider. Serena wouldn't mind if I just walked in, right?

The apartment was exactly the same, except for the toys scattered across the floor. It reminded me of the way my apartment used to look.

I headed straight for her bedroom. The door was open, so I shrugged and walked right in. She was lying on her back, her blond hair sprayed across the pillow. Her two hands were gently placed beneath her swollen stomach. She looked to be about seven months along.

I sucked in a breathe and walked up to her. I poked her hand a few times, until she finally opened her eyes. Her face was a little chubbier from the pregnancy, I assume. Other than the obvious changes, she was still my Serena.

It took her a few seconds to register my body in front of her. Her eyes grew larger and her mouth dropped open "Blair..."

"Serena," I smiled and sat down on the bed beside her. She struggled to sit up as well - the weight of her belly not helping.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice was loud and slightly angry. What had I done? I decided that I didn't know the answer to her question.

"You know, I never thought of you as the baby making type." I pointed one finger to her stomach and then to her daughter, who was leaning against the door frame, her eyes still on the ground.

"Blair, why are you here?" She asked again, a little bit more urgent this time. I glanced down at her left hand as it rubbed circles along the side of her stomach. The diamond ring was hard to miss.

I didn't answer her. Instead, I started to cry.

-X-X-

"Wow," Serena leaned against the counter as she listened to my story. She nodded at all the right moments but said little until I was done. I told her about my dream and then waking up to find Chuck hovering over me. I told her about everything that Chuck had said and _didn't_ say. Then I explained that I came to her because I trusted her to tell me the truth. She was my best friend, after all "You've forgotten five years, Blair."

"What happened to me, Serena?" I asked, taking the cup of coffee that she had offered me. Instead of adding skim milk to her tea, like she did to my coffee, she added cream. Since when did Serena add cream? I assume that Dan, her husband, had something to do with all the changes. He was, of course, the one to change her back in high school too. "The way Chuck acted around me...it's like he thought I'd snap if he said something wrong."

She nodded and sighed "It has to do with Dylan, just like you assumed."

My eyes wandered to her daughter, Elizabeth, who was coloring in a coloring book at the dining room table. Serena has a _child_ and I don't. Not anymore.

"He died." I nod, yet I don't believe the words that come out of my mouth. It couldn't be possible...

"It's okay to miss him." Serena says in an almost whisper "And it's okay to be hurt."

"How can I miss someone I saw yesterday?" Because in my yesterday, Dylan was still four years old "How can someone I only saw a day ago be dead?"

"You didn't see him yesterday, B. That's the thing. He's been gone for four years, now."

"No," I shook my head and felt the tears resurface. I didn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. Dylan was part of my happily-ever-after. I proved everyone wrong when I made things work out between Chuck and I. "No,"

"I'm so sorry, B." Her words were honest, even though I knew that, in this world, our friendship is long gone. I hadn't push her too much about the details.

"What am I supposed to do now, Serena?"

"It's never too late to fix things." I knew that she was talking about my relationship with Chuck.

"But I don't have a family anymore." I look back at Elizabeth, who is still concentrating on coloring. She has a talent for coloring in the lines, even at two and half.

"Don't forget, Chuck's still your family." Serena smiled as she too, looked over at her daughter. I could tell that she was proud of everything she had accomplished in the past few years "She's autistic, if you were wondering. That's the reason why she doesn't like looking people in the eye."

I nodded my head once and noticed that the smile on Serena's face hadn't disappeared. It didn't bother her that her daughter was autistic, I realized. "And for a while there, I thought your life was perfect."

I knew what she was thinking even as she stayed quiet. _But it is, Blair. My life is perfect. _

-X-X-

Eventually, I went home. Serena had managed to get me to drink three whole cups of coffee in the two hours that I was there. After giving me a whole bunch of half answers, I had had enough. I hugged her goodbye and promised that I wasn't going to shut her out anymore. Then I stopped myself a taxi and headed back to Chuck.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do until this whole memory loss wore off. What if it never wore off? Was I always going to have this gap in my life? A year of heartbreak that I' never have to think about. Wasn't that what everyone wanted? Not me. I hated not knowing the truth about everything. I also hated not remembering my final moments with my son. Whatever they were.

When I walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by something that I had only seen once before. Chuck was making breakfast.

When we were in Tuscany, before Dylan was born, he was cooked me breakfast every morning.

Now, he was positioned infront of the stove, twisting and turning nobs as the sound of eggs sizzling in greese filled the room. I waited until he turned around and placed two eggs on a piece of toast. He caught me looking at him and didn't seem surprised at all that I was back "Serena called." He said when he saw the expression on my face.

"Eat," Chuck ordered, passing me the plate with the eggs and toast. I was too nervous to think about the shiny layer of fat that coated the two eggs. He also passed me a cup of coffee, which I used to rinse my throat as I swallowed the last piece of my toast. He watched as I finished off my coffee, frowning as I licked my lips. I wondered about what the doctor had told me yesterday. How could I just _forget_ the last year of my life? I wanted answers.

"Okay, so now that I've done what you asked, it's my turn." I said motioning to the empty plate infront of me. It felt good to see the shock run over Chuck's eyes as he watched me take control "I have a few questions."

"I assumed you would." He said with a sigh, moving around the counter and sitting down beside me. At closer inspection, I could see the tiny red veins in his eyes, bloodshot from exhaustion. So I wasn't the only one who hadn't slept last night "You've forgotten alot of important things."

I swallowed and continued "Tell me about it." At first, he wasn't sure if I meant it was a statement or a demand. I wasn't sure either but I waited for his answer anyway.

"You never like to talk about it. The last couple of years have been pretty hard for both of us." He ran a hand through his already well combed hair "I guess I should start from the beginning then. So remember how Dylan always got those horrible nose bleeds? And whenever Serena took him to the park, he would come back with dozens of bruises all over his legs and arms."

I nodded and let a small smile appear "He bruises like a peach." I still waited for him to come running into the room any minute. I knew that eventually the grief would hit me. It would leave me paralyzed once again.

"Well, things seemed to be getting worse. The nosebleeds happened more often...the bruises didn't disappear anymore. We took him to the doctor. They ran some tests and it turned out to be cancer. Childhood Leukemia. We never really had time to think about the possibility of anything except saving him. We just went through the usual. Chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant. Things seemed to be going better and he went into remission for about a month and a half." Chuck shrugged and looked me straight in the eyes "Then the tests came back and we started the chemotherapy again. The doctors were losing hope. They didn't say anything but I could tell by the way they just watched him lying there. Dylan tried to be brave but he was just as scared as any other little boy would be. Whenever you left the room, the smile would disappear from his face. He didn't want you to see him sad. And then he ended up not being as strong as he thought he was. We decided to stop treatment altogether. Dylan couldn't do it anymore. He was just so_ tired_. And where was his childhood? He deserved to have that back. You convinced the doctors to let him stay at home for the last few weeks. You never left his side, Blair, and I know that he loved you very much for that. It was the right choice because closer to the end, his smiles stopped disappearing when you left the room."

I was very proud of how well you handled everything. Sure, you cried yourself to sleep a few nights a week but...you were so unbelievably strong, Blair. All you wanted was to make him happy. You just wanted him to be happy and pain free. You also wanted him to know how much you loved him. That's why when you held him for those last few minutes, none of the past few months mattered. I remembered watching you and wondering if anyone had ever been loved more than that little boy. Even as his breath slowed down and his body went limp in your arms, I knew that he was happy and that we had done everything we could for him. You stayed in his bed all night, just rocking him back and forth, whispering how much you loved him. And then, in the morning, you got up and called the funeral home. It was like a sudden shift. You pulled away so quickly..."

I didn't want to continue listening. This was more than enough for one day. I slapped my hands over my ears and closed my eyes. This was when it all came back to me. The memories were still gone but something else had finally returned. It was the burning in the center of my heart that made my hands begin to shake. Chuck must have thought I looked like a five year old. My head began to spin and I felt my mind go dark "Blair? Blair?"

"Oh god, I shouldn't have let go." I shook my head, feeling the tears stream down my face. The fire inside my chest was eating away at my heart and I realized that it had always been this painful. The amnesia had only temporarily distracted me from it. "You shouldn't have let me let him go. We could have saved him. I could still be a mom, Chuck."

"Blair," Chuck's voice was steady and I knew that this wasn't the first conversation we had had about this. He knew how to calm me right down. His hands were on either side of my face and his own face was in my hair."I know that we did our very best. We did everything we possibly could."

And I almost believed him...


	3. Rest in Pieces

_**Chapter 3: Rest in Pieces**_

_At my son's funeral, I met a woman named Juliette. She, like many people at the funeral, only knew me through my days on Gossip Girl's blog. She said that she hoped I would someday find peace within myself. "I know you don't know me, Blair. But I understand exactly what you are going through. It isn't easy losing a child." I remember trying to tune her out, hoping that she would just shut up. How could anyone understand the pure agony that I was feeling? No one could understand this. I looked into her piercing blue eyes, filled with her own heartbreak "And I know that even though it seems much easier to pull away from the people you love and sit in your pain, eventually you have to begin to live your life again." She had leaned in and hugged me tight to her thin frame. I still remember the way her hair smelt against my face. Strong and sweet, like my mother's old Oscar De La Renta perfume. At the time, I had thought that she had gone, quite simply, bonkers. Her words had meant nothing to me. Until now. _

-X-X-

"I know that we did our very best. We did everything that we possibly could." I remember his words, filled with worry and regret. Then, I remember slowly walking out of the kitchen, keeping my eyes on the floor in front of me. I climbed the stairs up to our bedroom swiftly. All I had wanted was to pull the thick down covers over my head and close my eyes. Then maybe all of this could go away. I could be like Dorothy and repeat a few words until my wish came true. _He's not dead. He's not dead. He's not dead._

I remember peeling the unfamiliar clothes off my body, for they were only a reminder of my current situation. I took everything off until I was completely naked. Then I inched toward the bed and climbed in. _He's not dead. He's not dead. He's not dead. _I didn't want to believe it. Only, what seemed to me like, hours ago had I kissed my son goodnight. I still remember reassuring him that I would see him in the morning and that the house was perfectly safe (he was convinced someone was hiding out in our guest bedroom) I knew the reason for this. Chuck and I had only recently gotten back into the swing of things, if you know what I mean. We were going at it like a bunch of hormone crazy teenagers. The noises that Dylan heard in the middle of the night _had_ to be us. Poor little boy had no idea who was moaning down the hall.

The memory of my arms wrapped around him made me both sad and happy. It was so clear. How could things be so very different now? I could still hear his voice as he asked me to check for the monsters. "Please, Momma, make sure it's safe."

"I'll protect you, baby." I said planting a kiss on his smooth little forehead "No one is gonna hurt you while I'm here." He had nodded and let a small smile slip across his face as his eyes closed. Once he was out, I untangled myself from his grasp, moving from the arms of my son to the arms of my husband, with happiness swelling within my heart.

Now I waited for Chuck to appear bedside me in the bed. I mean, I was completely naked and heartbroken. The Chuck that I knew would use that as his signal to get some action. Ten minutes after I had climbed into bed, Chuck finally appeared at the door. He knocked, even though I had left the door wide open. I look up at him and saw how distant his expression was. "I'm so sorry, Blair."

"It's okay. C'm here." I sat up and let the covers fall down from my chest, landing in a pile on my thighs. "I don't feel like being alone."

He hesitated as he watched me gesture with my hands from his to come closer. I wanted to hold him close, like I used to hold Dylan. "I don't..."

"Oh come on, Bass." I rolled my eyes and patted down the empty space beside me. "When have you ever turned down a quickie?"

This seemed to make him even more uncomfortable. He took a step back and lowered his head. "Maybe later." He murmered before took a step forward again. "I was thinking that maybe we could talk instead."

He has realized he's gay. That was the first thought that crossed my mind. My husband, Chuck Bass, had decided to swing over to the other side. He was probably fucking all the gay men in Manhatten. The image of him bending naked over a chair popped into my mind. I blushed and shook my head. What was I thinking? Chuck _loved_ woman. Then it must be me, I thought. Chuck didn't find me attractive anymore. I had pushed another person out of my vagina and now, I was hideous. "Talk about what?" I asked, as if it wasn't horribly obvious.

"Blair," He sat on the very edge of the bed, as far away from me as possible "You've missed alot."

"I know," I nodded slightly, feeling tears sting my eyes. I was angry at myself for being so clummsy and slipping in the shower. If it hadn't been for my fall, I'd be able to remember everything. Then, I remembered before, when I had thought about ths very idea "But maybe that's a good thing. Right?"

He seemed to be studying my face for something. I could see the little crease in between his eyes "Maybe," He murmered and nodded slightly.

I thought for a moment before continuing. I wasn't interested in asking any more questions. Questions only brought me answers that I did not want. The less I knew, the easier I could move on. I imagined the Blair that Serena and Chuck had experienced this past year. A girl in a slight zombie like state "I wanted to apologize for whatever I've said or done to you these past few months. I can only imagine the damage I did to our relationship."

A part of me hoped that he would denie that I had done anything wrong. I hoped that he would tell me that I had been a perfect little angel. Instead, he said: "It's not your fault."

I shook my head, disagreeing with his statement "But it is. Chuck, I can be a bitch. I know that. If I wanted to, I could make someones life a living hell. That's me. I'm Blair Waldorf." I forced a small smile across my face. I was determined to show him that things would be different from now on "Don't you remember the Queen Bee in high school?"

I saw him smile as he leaned towards me a little bit "I don't think you know yourself as well as you think you do."

"Thanks but we both know that isn't true. You're just scared I'll go back to the way I was before. Don't even try to deny any of it. Serena told me everything, Chuck."

He sighed and shook his head "I always thought that you would be the stronger one. Like you said, you're Blair Waldorf. When I realized how things would end...I was preparing to have you take care of me." He looked down at his hand. I was certain that he was thinking back, recalling everything that I had missed "I think we were both surprised at how things ended up happening. I was able to be strong enough to take care of you."

"I don't understand it either, Chuck. Thinking about it now...it hurts alot." I nodded, feeling the burning in the center of my heart. I put a hand obove my left breast, convinced that maybe I could ease the pain "But I would never let it take control of my life."

He gently reached over and replaced my hand with his own, pressing his fingers gently against my skin "Like I said, I guess you don't know yourself that well."

"Either way, thank you for taking care of me." I tried to smile but instead, big fat tears began streaming down my face. I was too caught up in my emotions to care about what my face must have looked like. Chuck's wide arms wrapped themselves around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. I clutched at his navy blue polo shirt amd sobbed for what seemed like hours. Part of me wondered if this was finally the beginning of the end. Was I going to sink back into a depression? Infront of my closed eyes, the image of my son flashed past. His face was splattered with chocolate icing while Dororta, who was standing behind him, was spreading the brown paste over an equally dark cake. A big smile was spread across his face as he giggled, sticking out his tongue, and tried to remove the icing from his nose.

Wasn't a mother suppose to take care of her child? Had I failed that much? I thought back to the months before his birth. Serena had continued to try and convince me that I was be just fine. Deep down inside, even back then, I knew that I would fail.

I had proved myself, my mother, and Bart's father right. My son's heart had stopped beating after a short four years. I couldn't even keep him alive long enough to enter kindergarten.

Chuck didn't say a word the whole time I cried. I assumed he was just as afraid as I was. I didn't want to turn into that other Blair. Her face, without any makeup, was pale and hollow. She was wearing sweatpants and her hair was sitting all funny, teased at odd ends. I could barely see her eyes beneath her extremley bushy eyebrows. They were like two furry cat tails glued above her eyes. If I hadn't been crying, I would have laughed at this image. It was my worst nightmare. When I walked down the street in the less posh areas of New York, I would see woman like this. They would be carrying a toddler on their hip, with a cellphone squeezed between their shoulder and ear. I'd cringe at the sight of them and vowed to never let myself go like that. I mean, didn't they have any self respect?

-X-X-

I slept for just over sixteen hours before I was finally brave enough to lift my head from my pillow. About seven hours earlier, Dorota dropped off a platter of fruit. She had sat down beside me on the bed for a few minutes. I hadn't even opened my eyes but I knew it was her. She had whispered, in her heavy Polish accent, that she hoped I would get better soon "Miss Blair, your famly need you. Don't disappoint for second time." She gently touched my cheek with the back of her hand before getting up.

If it had been any of other time, I would have yelled at her to mind her own business but not today. Today, all I did was nod slightly and tighten my grip on the blankets around me. I was thankful for Chuck, who had been the one to offer Dorota enough money to stop working for my mother, and move in with us permanently.

She left but returned a few hours later, to replace the fruit with a cup of coffee "Miss Blair, please think about what I said."

This time, I didn't nod but I didn't yell either. I just squeezed my eyes tighter, watching another scene - something from the years I still remembered. In my scene, Chuck was cradling me in his arms. We were both sticky with sweat, after some long overdue time alone. I had never realized how much spare time a child took away from you. Dylan had never been an easy sleeper. Multiple times a night, his crying would jerk me from sleep. I'd have to pull myself from the warm bed, and from Chuck, to try and soothe my baby back to sleep. Not once had I thought of asking Dorota to take care of Dylan for me through the night. I was convinced that she was good at cleaning and cooking but was not at all maternal. Oh, how I hated myself for ever thinking such things about her. Growing up, she had been more of a mother to me than my own mother had been.

So, a few times a month, however, Serena was nice enough to take him to her place. I had bought him a second crib, which Serena kept in her guest bedroom. Even though I hated being away from him, even for a one night, I knew that my marriage would thank me later.

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, adjusting to the bright room. Chuck was sitting in the corner, at a small desk, reading through thick documents in front of him. I sat up and sighed, hoping to get his attention. He did turn and smile - warming my heart "Good morning,"

"Morning," I murmured, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand "What time is it?"

"Quarter to eight." He said getting up from the desk to sit beside me on the bed. I realized I was still naked and lifted the covers, self consciously, to cover my breasts. Suddenly, I felt embarassed, as I thought of the way I had acted the day before. My cheeks burned, thinking of the way I had slapped my hands over my ears at Chuck's words...

"I want you to promise me something." I combed a few fingers through my hair, trying to untangle all of it.

"What would that be?"

"Promise that you won't give up on me?"

He looked at me like I had two heads "I was never planning on it."

I thought he was lying. No, I _knew_ he was lying. "Okay." I nodded and leaned in to kiss him. I wanted to prove my love for him. He had given me so much. And now it was my turn.

It was something that I hadn't seen coming. He moved his head to the right, trying to get away from my puckered lips. I felt his warm hands talk hold of my shoulders "Blair," He sighs and closes his eyes "I can't."

"What? Why not?" I felt my eyes sting. I had never been good with rejections.

"Are you sure that you want..." He trailed off and his eyes move up, like he was asking God for help. That was weird. We both knew that he wasn't religious "I know you don't remember anything but things are different now."

"I don't understand." I shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around his words. He wasn't making any sense. His eyes told me that this wasn't something he wanted to talk about.

"Look, I have a few meetings to go to today. I'll see you later, alright?"

"No, you aren't leaving until you tell me. What are you talking about? _Of course_ I want you. I'll always want you."

"We'll talk later, I promise." He kissed me on the forehead, instead of the lips like I wanted, and leaved the room. I curled up into a tiny ball and began to cry again. Chuck, my only constant in all of this mess, wasn't mine anymore. That was the only real answer I could think of.

I knew that I was the one to blame. I was the one who pushed him away. Of course he couldn't love me anymore. There was nothing to love about me. I had been bitchy and selfish. It wasn't his fault. I wouldn't blame him.

I tried to imagine life without him. If he divorced me, I'd have to find my own place and start my life from scratch. Goodbye to my perfect little family. I should have known it was all too good to be true.

So I had some work to do. I decided. I would win his love back. There was no other answer. I didn't want to live without him. I _couldn't_ live without him. We were Chuck and Blair. We could make things work. I might not have been able to see my past but I could see my future. Chuck was my future.


	4. Boys

**Chapter 4: Boys**

_I had dated Nate for over three years by the time I started high school. You cannot imagine how curious I got when other girls my age started getting boyfriends. I tried to reassure myself that my relationship with Nate was much better. We hardly ever argued and when we did, our parents would help us make amends. Thinking back to all of it now, I realize how ridiculous that was. Our parents wanted our relationship to work more than we did. _

_So, in the ninth grade, I fell for someone else. His name was Dieter. His parents were German and his father was working in New York on a temporary visa. He had curly, white blond hair and super light blue eyes. I thought he looked like a freak. But I seemed to be the only one who found him strange looking. All the girls at school fell in love with him the minute he started classes at St. Jude. Serena was one of these girls. I remember how she would write his name across the front of her notebook, adding little bubbly hearts around it. _

_For the next few weeks, every time he walked by me, I would stare straight into his blue eyes. I was trying to figure out what everyone else saw in him. Finally, I decided that it didn't matter what he looked like. If everyone else wanted him then I'd want him too. I was determined. He was going to be mine someday. And eventually, he did become mine. We met everyday before school in the storage room. We would kiss for a few minutes and he'd tell me about his life back in Germany. He told me that no one thought he was good looking there. Everyone had blond hair and blue eyes. I told him that my best friend, Serena, would fit in nicely there. He told me that he liked my brown hair and brown eyes. I told him to stop lying. Then he told me that I was smart and beautiful and brave. So I told him that I loved him. And it was the truth. I loved him for believing the best in me. _

-X-X-

I didn't know how to make Chuck fall in love with me again. Throughout my life, everything I did came easily. I had Nate. I had Dylan. And then finally, I had Chuck. All three were not things that I had decided on before hand. Nate and I were sort of pushed together by out parents. We never have another choice.

Then came Dylan. He was what people would call a 'mistake'. He was definitely the farthest thing from planned. Either way, once I held him in my arms, planned or not, he was more than I could have ever hoped for.

I had never expected to love anyone other than Nate. How could there be anything better than him? I knew that things were about to change the minute Chuck's lips touched mine. My feelings for Chuck were forever changing, always growing. I learned how to be less uptight, less bitchy, and more comfortable in my own skin.

So, again, I had no idea how to make Chuck fall love with me. I supposed that I could start at the source of the problem. Why did he act like I had broken his heart? What changed? What went wrong?

I jumped out of bed, energized by the idea of figuring all of this out. It was like playing detective. I needed to look for clues.

I decided that I deserved a nice long bath first. So I filled up our jacuzzi tub to the brim and climbed in. The water swayed from side to side as I leaned back. Then I twisted the little knob on the wall up to fifteen minutes and closed my eyes.

However, not even the warm water could make me feel better. The marriage that had fallen into my lap all those years ago wasn't working. What if this was it? What if there was nothing I could do?

-X-X-

I pulled out my laptop from under my bed. It wasn't the same laptop I had five years ago. That one had been a Mac. This one was an HP. I pulled open Word and typed _Blair's Wish List_. I decided that I needed to set up goals. That way, I would straight on the road toward becoming the old Blair again...or more like the new Blair. I hit enter a few times and knew exactly where I wanted to begin.

_1. Lose ten pounds. _

_2. Fix my friendship with Serena. _

_3. Win Chuck back._

_4. Learn to let go of the past._

There. It was short but it would do for now. As I thought of more goals, I would add them to the list. I hoped to have atleast ten by the end of the week.

After I saved my wishlist, I scanned through the rest of the files saved to my hardrive. I sifted through over five hundred photos. They were mostly of parties and events. After counting, I realized I was only in ten of them.

Then I scanned through the other word documents. Most of them were unfinished invites to parties that I never ended up throwing...

I quickly opened up my wish list again and added one more.

_5. Throw an amazing party. Invite everyone._

I smiled at myself. It was kind of fun thinking of these things.

Then I opened up my Inbox and read through my emails. I almost felt like a stalker while I did this. I knew that this was my computer and my emails but all these messages were addressed to a person I hardly knew. Wait, no, they were addressed to a person I _hated_.

As I scanned through the emails, a lump developed in my throat. _Dieter Ebert_. The name only came up once but it made me want to throw up none the less.

I opened the email and read it, unsure of what to expect.

_Dear Blair,_

_I've thought long and hard about what you have asked from me. It's very important to me that I make the right decision. I don't want to be the reason that your marriage ends. I know that what we had back in high school, though short, was real. I loved you. I love you. But I have learned that love isn't always enough. I'm not sure I can be the one to fix you, Blair. I've tried my best, because you asked that of me, but it hasn't been enough. So I cannot be the one to save you this time, Blair. I wish you the best of luck, Blair. Please do what makes you happy._

_Dieter_

-X-X-

My heart rate had sped up as I began to panic. What the hell was I suppose to do now? Clearly the old Blair had _fucked_ up big time. She...well _I_ had cheated on Chuck. No wonder he had acted so strangely last night. I was determined to set things straight.

While Dorota filled my plate with fruit, I sipped the cup of coffee infront of me "I'm going to need you to do something for me tonight, Dorota." I gave her a small smile as I put down my cup.

"Anything, Miss Blair."

"Do you remember dinner number four?" I fluttered my eyelashes and rested my chin on my hands. I hoped she remembered my meal plans from before. Dinner number four was the Leg of Lamb, Chuck's favourite.

"How could I forget." She winked, obviously remembering all the nights I had asked her to make it. Whenever Chuck was pissed, I'd have Dorota wip up the food in a matter of a few hours. He learned over time that dinner number four meant I was _really really_ sorry.

"Get that ready for tonight, will you?"

She placed the plate of fruit infront of me and winked again. She was also excited about the possibility of Chuck forgiving me.

I stuck a grape in my mouth and chewed before continuing "I'm on a mission, Dorota." I said proudly "I'm going to win back Chuck Bass."

"How?" She rinsed a washcloth under the tap and wiped down the marble counter tops.

I frowned "I'm not so sure yet."

"I say you start with his heart. Fix his heart first, Miss Blair."

-X-X-

Dorota told me that he usually stayed out until about eight. So I counted down the minutes until Chuck would get home. And just like clockwork, at exactly eight, my husband walked through the door.

He was whistling some cheesy song as he checked his email on his Blackberry. I waited, sitting up straight at the end of the table. Part of me hoped that he would remember the scent of my apology dinner. When he looked up from his phone, he met my eyes with confusion.

"Blair?" He frowned and I half expected him to ask 'Is that you?' but instead he walked up to me and stuck his hands up in the air "What the hell is all of this?"

"I made dinner." I said cheerfully. He rolled his eyes and I sighed "Well, Dorota made dinner. Don't you remember? Leg of Lamb?"

_"I'm sorry I called you an asshole. You're not an asshole." I straddle him, one leg hanging down on either side of the chair he's sitting on. Then I run my fingers through his hair. _

_"And you're not a bitch." He smiles. I can feel his fingers moving up under my dress..._

_I sigh and go on "I'm sorry I told Dylan to wash your suit in the bathtub." _

_He chuckles and kisses my neck "That thing fits him now." _

_"Maybe I should shrink your clothes more often." I gasp as his fingers slip under my thong. _

_He mumbles something in my neck and all I get out of it is "...smells amazing."_

_I smile as I undo his belt "What? Dinner number four?"_

_"No," He helps me pull off his belt and unbutton his pants. "You."_

He smiled and I swear I saw him blushing "Of course I remember."

He sat down beside me and stuck one finger into the gravy boat beside his plate.

"It'll be different this time. I'm going to be here for you instead of the other way around. When you took care of me after Dylan's death, you had to be the brave one. You didn't get to be sad. So now it's your turn. You can cry all you want...I know that you probably won't but I'll still be here to hold your hand. Just give me another chance, Chuck. I can change."

He stayed quiet for a long time "Are you sure?"

I smiled and touched his cheek with the back of my hand "I'm sure."

"Okay."

-X-X-

"Miss Blair?" Dorota whispered, knocking on the open door to my bedroom "Miss Blair?"

"What?" I snap, lifting me head off of my pillow. Chuck had left early once again claiming that he had a few things to take care of. But we were okay again. We were going to fix our marriage.

"Mr. Ebert is here to see you. He says that he takes back last email. He says that he is ready now."

All of the blood drained from my face as I registered her words. He wanted me to leave Chuck. He wanted me to leave Chuck and move back to fucking Germany with him. What was I going to do?

I jumped out of bed and grabbed my silk robe that Dorota was holding out for me "Does Chuck know about him?" I asked her nervously.

She pursed her lips and shook her head slightly "But he believes that there is someone else."

"Okay." I didn't know what else to say. My hands were shaking as I tightened the robe around my waist "Okay."

I walked briskly out of my room and down the stairs. He was standing down at the bottom, his hat in his hands.

He was still my Dieter. That same boy I kissed in the storage room before classes. His light blond hair framed his face perfectly, making his high cheek bones stand out. And then, of course, there was his milky white skin and light blue eyes. If I'd seen him walking down the street, I'd think I had died and gone to heaven. He looked like your classical angel.

"I couldn't stay away, love." He sayed in an accent that only has a hint of German.

Even though I didn't like it, my stomach fluttered at the sight of him. I ran into his arms and buried my face in his jacket. His arms wrapped around me while I began to cry. I never realized I had missed him until that very moment. As he held me, I was finally able to relax. I sighed and let go of him "There is something I have to tell you." From the old familiar ache I felt in my chest, I knew I still loved him.


	5. Hope

**_Chapter 5: Hope_**

_I never saw myself as a teenage mother. It was never part of the plan. Does that mean that I didn't love every minute of it? No, of course not. Dylan was mine. He came a little too early, yes, but I know that he would have eventually come. Even after everything that has happened, I still wouldn't have done any of it differently. The memory of my son is something that I'll be able to carry with me for the rest of my life. I'll die knowing that it's only a matter of time before I'll be able to hold him in my arms again._

-X-X-

"What is it?" Dieter's eyes were full of concern.

I took a deep breath and said it all really fast "I don't remember the last four years of my life."

He stayed quiet as I told him the same story I told Serena two days ago. Unlike her, he didn't stay quiet while I spoke. He asked questions, forcing me to go into more detail. When I'm finished, the two of us are sitting side by side on the couch "I suppose it's a good thing that I came back to save the day." He smiled and rubbed my back.

I nodded but didn't fully agree "Dieter, what are you doing here?"

He smiled "I've actually come to look at real estate."

Even though I knew the answer, I still asked "Why?"

He placed his warm hand on the side of myneck and smiled. "Because I wanted to be closer to you, of course. I'm so sorry I told you that I couldn't save you. I can and I will."

I sighed and whispered "You don't have to save me, Dieter, I have Chuck for that."

"I know that you don't remember what we had for the last two years, Blair. If you knew...if you'll let me show you what we had. I want to prove to you how much I love you."

I closed my eyes and shook my head. This wasn't what I wanted to hear. I couldn't handle all of this at once. "Go,"

He nodded like he understood and took a step back "I'll see you later."

I didn't know if his statement is true. Did I even want to see him later? Yes, I did. Although, I knew that I shouldn't have felt that way. "Yes, maybe."

Then he made things even harder. He closed the space between us and pulled me against his chest "No matter what happens, I love you, Blair Waldorf. I always will."

-X-X-

I ended up finding my way over to Serena's apartment. It seemed safe and neutral enough. She opened the door and smiled. "I was wondering when I'd see you again."

I smiled back and walked past her. "Expecting me sooner?"

"Actually, I wasn't really sure when to expect you." She said with a sigh, pressing her fingers into the small of her back. I glanced at her stomach and felt a pang of guilt. She had been there for me throughout my entire pregnancy and here I was. I'd missed everything.

"You can always come visit me, S." Elizabeth was sitting on the floor infront of the television, watching cartoons.

"Maybe I will." She decided.

The two of us sat down on the couch, staring at the same colorful image of Minnie and Mickey having a picnic in the park. Even though the two of them fought in almost every episode, they always ended up having their happily-ever-after. Neither of us said a thing. It made me sad to think that the friendship I had counted on back then was gone. All that was left were awkward moments like these. I broke the silence for my own sake. "So I never asked when you baby was due."

"Mid March." Serena smiled, her face round from the pregnancy. She patted the side of her round stomach.

"That's soon." I tucked a few stray strands of hair behind my ear and did the math in my head. Mid March meant that she had about ten weeks to go. "Do you know what you're having?"

She shook her head "No and I don't want to know."

I swallowed and tried to smile. I could see the excitement on her face. She _knew_ that she had won the lottery.

"I could never wait nine months to find out. You can't buy the right clothes or properly decorate the nursery. You end up stuck with shitty unisex colored walls. I think I'll hire a decorator for you after the baby is born. Consider it your shower gift from me."

She laughed and shook her head "I've missed you, Blair."

"And I _miss _you. Where is the Serena van der Woodsen I used to know? You've gone all desperate housewife on me."

She giggled and leaned into my side. It made me smile. "I'm not _desperate_. I just grew up."

I nodded. She was all grown up. "Yes, well, you have done good, my dear, but not as good as me." I teased her before realizing what I was saying about myself.

She noticed the look on my face and rubbed my arm with her hand. "We've both done our best, Blair."

-X-X-

"That's a very pretty picture, Elizabeth." I smiled as she drew straight lines across the page with her purple crayon. I took a minute to admire the cotton dress that Serena had picked out for her. It was navy blue and covered with tiny stitched white flowers. It was held onto her tiny pale shoulders by two adorable silk bows.

"I'm not aspost talk to strangers." She said, squishing her words together. She was sitting neatly on her chair at her own miniture desk. Her blond hair was neatly pulled back on either side of her face with two golden clips.

I sat down beside her, giving in after the aching in my legs from squatting for so long turned into burning. "I'm not a stranger." I said leaning back on one hand.

"I don't know you." She dropped the purple crayon and picked up a red one. This time, she drew lines in the opposite direction, making tiny squares across the page.

Serena was sitting on the couch, flipping through a baby names book. She would look up every few minutes and smile approvingly.

"I'm your momma's best friend. My name is Blair Waldorf."

She put down the red crayon and picked up a green one. This time, she colored in the little squares.

"My name is Elizabeth Marie Humphrey."

I smiled. It killed me knowing that I couldn't remember her birth. "That's a very pretty name."

Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. I watched as she finished off her coloring. "My momma's gonna have a baby soon."

I nodded slightly and looked over at Serena, who was writing something down on one of the pages of the baby names book. If she was listening, she was doing an excellent job at hiding it. "I know."

Her next question reminded me of the burning in my heart. This burning was far worse than squatting down for five minutes. "Are you a momma?"

I hesitated, again glancing back at my best friend. This time, her eyes met mine and her head move up and down. _It's okay_, she mouthed.

For a moment, I switched back to the woman I was five years ago. I had a loving husband and an angel of a son. I couldn't help but smile. "Yes, I am a momma."

-X-X-

"Why do things always have to be so fucked up, S?" I whined.

She laughed, throwing her head back slightly "I don't know but it sure makes things interesting, doesn't it?"

I shot her a look. "This isn't funny."

"I think it's hilarious. It's almost like de ja vu, isn't it? It's like back in high school between Nate and Chuck."

I thought for a minute. "How did you end up choosing Dan over Nate?"

She blinked and shifted in her seat. "I didn't realize we were talking about me."

"Just answer the question."

"Fine," She sighed and looked down at her wedding ring "There was never really the need to _choose_. I was never in love with Nate. Sure, I cared about him but it was nothing compared to how I felt about Dan. Nate's family's wealth was never going to be enough for me. Dan will always love me, Blair, and that _is_ enough for me. Besides, I have my own family's money and I've never needed a man to get me into the New York Times."

I laughed and nodded. Serena was a regular in the New York Times. "Very true."

-X-X-

"Chuck? Are you home?" I dropped my bag and jacket on the floor. Dorota could pick them up later.

The house was silent, except for the quite humming coming from the dishwasher in the kitchen. It was late, already after eight, and Chuck was supposed to be home by now. I began to worry. What if he knew about Dieter? Was that why he had seemed to hesitant that morning in our room? What would I say if he asked about my day? Serena, of course. I'd say I was with Serena all day.

I climbed the steps two at a time and tried to take a few deep breaths. He knew nothing. I could pretend that everything was fine. I could _do _this.

There was a crack of light coming from under the door to his office. So he was _here_. That didn't make me feel any better.

I knocked twice and pushed open the door, revealing a very tired looking Chuck hunched over his desk. He looked up when I walked in but didn't say a word. His eyes met mine and I knew that he knew. But he didn't look angry. He just looked disappointed.

Then he got up from his chair and walked over to me. His hands pulled my face to his and he kissed me. It wasn't soft and romantic. This kiss was urgent, like he was trying to _will_ things to be okay. I wrapped my arms around his neck and stepped out my shoes. I also wanted this to fix things. In a matter of seconds, we were both on the floor. He had me pinned under his, his weight completely crushing me to the hardwood floor beneath me. Then he pulled up my dress and yanked off my underwear, not once looking me in the eyes.

He thrusted painfully deep, over and over, until I had to bite my lip to stop myself from screaming out in pain. It definitely didn't feel the way it usually felt - soft and gentle, like he got no pleasure out it, like it was just for _me_. This time, it was as if I didn't exist. I was just some cheap prostitute that he picked up on his way home from work. I was just an empty body.

"Say it," I whispered, trying to keep my face composed. The tears wanted to come but I wouldn't let them. "Say it."

"What?" Chuck breathed. He still wouldn't look me in the eyes.

"I haven't heard you say it once in the last week. So say it. Say that you love me." My voice was pleading. I wanted to hear him say that everything was going to be okay.

This stopped him in his tracks. He was completely rigid ontop of me. Seconds passed, one by one, and all of a sudden I'd had enough. "Get off of me!" I spat and pushed my fists into his chest. I wanted to wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze as hard as I could. Were we in high school again? Was my _husband_ afraid of saying those three little words?

He fell off me and lied down on the floor beside me. I went to get up and his hand wrapped around my wrist, forcing me to look at him. He was silent but his eyes said it all. _What happened to us?_

_"_I'll be gone in the morning." It was more a promise to myself than anything else. I couldn't say here anymore. Not my husband was _this_ man.

I wasn't sure where I would go but I had to go. Would I be back? Maybe. Hopefully. I hoped that if I left, Chuck would realize how terrible life would be without me. I wouldn't have to lift a finger. He would come _crawling_ back. Well, maybe. Hopefully.


	6. Unfixable

Last chapter! Sorry that it took me this long. I tried to write it and it never seemed to come out the way I wanted. Anyway, this is how I always planned on ending it. Enjoy.

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**_Chapter 6: Unfixable_**

_I have three children. Two girls and one boy. Madeline, Charlotte, and William Every time I have to wipe spaghetti sauce from Will's face, I see nothing but my first son, Dylan. Thinking about this now, it seems ridiculous. The two boys hardly look alike. Dylan looked like Chuck, while Will looks like me. Still, when people ask "So how many children you do you have?" The number four pops into my head. That's the truth. _

_I that I can't hold, kiss, or hug Dylan but he's still here with me. He is on my mind all day. This is something that I'll just have to live with. Madeline, my oldest, who turns thirteen next week, told me that he'll be young forever, which is something so many strive for. Eternal life and beauty. Isn't he lucky? So I decided, this story is my love letter to you, my son. I'm sorry that I ever doubted my potential to be exactly the type of mother you needed. _

-X-X-

The hot water pouring over me didn't stop them from coming. The tears, slightly cooler, mixed with the stream of water. That's what I have always hated about being alone in a shower. Nothing stops my thoughts from surfacing. There is nothing to distract me. No television, texting, or people. It hurts, I know, but I've come to realize that these moments alone are important. How would I be able to figure out how I feel about things if I was constantly distracted?

After dressing in the silk nighty I had saved for tonight or any night with Chuck, I crawled into bed. My mind was everywhere and I wondered if I would even be able to sleep. Sleep meant relaxing and letting go. I wasn't really to let go just yet. Still, a few minutes after my cheek was pressed into the pillow, I was gone.

_"Blair, I know, I hate this too." His voice cracks at the end._

_"What the fuck are we going to do, Chuck? How are we supposed to live without him?"_

_"We'll manage, I promise."_

_The room feels like it's closing in and squeezing me from every side. I lift my eyes and concentrate on Chuck's dark figure. Breathe. Just breathe. Still, I can feel my heart beat speeding up and the tears filling my eyes. "I can't. No. I can't do this."_

_His voice is soothing and I wonder why he isn't breaking down. "I know but we have no other choice."_

I woke up and looked around me. The covers has slipped off and were now lying on the floor. My head throbbed and my face was wet. It seemed that I cried even while asleep.

The dream, I realized, wasn't a dream at all. For the first time in over a week, I was remembering a piece of the five years I had forgotten. Hoping that more would come, I squeezed my eyes tightly shut again.

_I'm dressed in black. Chuck is dressed in black. We all match today. Why is that?_

_For once, I'm not crying. I knew this day was coming. For months, I've prepared myself for the moment I would have to lower my son into the ground. My worries seem pathetic to the outside world but I can't help but think them._

_How can I watch over him if he's buried in the ground? _

_What if someone steals him? _

_That hole seems too damn cold and wet to me. _

_He doesn't like being alone. _

_It takes everything I have to keep my feet from pulling me forward. I want to pull him out of the casket and hug him. _

_He deserves to be at home. _

_I wish I didn't live on the ninth damn floor of an apartment building. _

_I pull my eyes away from the hole. Dylan's hole. I didn't doubt who he was for a second. The man standing across from me, on the other side of the circle, shouldn't be here. He should be on the other side of the world, kissing someone in a storage room. _

_Chuck's hand wraps around mine for a second and squeezes. Then he lets go._

_I hardly notice this gesture. All I can seem to concentrate on is Dieter. His eyes, hair, nose, lips...right in front of me._

_Have you ever lost someone you loved? I know that I've lost too many. And now...now I might actually get someone back. My grandmother and my son are gone for good. Dieter is different. Dieter came back. _

_When the service is over, I tell Chuck that I want a few minutes alone. He was my baby boy. I need to say goodbye on my own. Chuck's eyes tell me he doesn't understand. He was my baby boy too, he seems to say. Despite his expression, my husband nods and walks away. _

_Dieter is still standing there, with a white rose dangling from his hand. He seems genuinely sad as he looks down at the casket. _

_I smooth a hand over my hair and walk over. "It's been forever, Dieter. I don't even know what to say." _

_Dieter looks up and smiles a sad smile. Then he hands me the white rose. "I didn't expect you too."_

_I nod, like this makes sense and touch the rose to my nose. The scent of a freshly cut rose. I'll never forget it. "I didn't even think you'd remember me."_

_My words seem to hurt him. He takes a step back and looks me up and down. "Of course I remember you."_

_"No, I didn't mean it like that." I try to back track but it is no use. We were kids back then. It was years ago. Besides, did you go to your ex-boyfriend's son's funeral? Not likely. "Well, maybe I did."_

_"It's okay," Dieter smirks a little and squeezes my shoulders. He is at least a foot taller than me and towers above me. "My ego will be okay."_

_I roll my eyes. Yeah, his ego will be just fine. _

"Blair,"

A hand pushed back the hair from my face and stayed, holding it in position. "I love you, Blair."

I opened my eyes and forced myself not to smile when I saw his face. Chuck. "Why now?"

"It's hard for me to explain to you how horrible the last five years have been. Not only for you, Blair, but for me too."

"Did you know?"

His eyes closed and opened again. "About Dieter? Yeah, I knew."

"Since when?"

He sighed and thought for a minute. "Since the funeral."

"Didn't you do anything about it?"

"I thought about going after him a few times. It made me pissed knowing how our relationship was disintedrating. I wanted to blame him for all of it. If only he hadn't come back..."

I shook my head. It was never Dieter's fault.

"But then I began to find you smiling when I came home. And you kissed me and told me how much you loved me. I assumed that the guilt was beginning to eat at you. You probably thought that you could be with both of us at the same time. Love both of us..."

"Then it wouldn't be so bad." I finished his sentence. The truth was, I don't know what I was thinking but what Chuck iwas saying made alot of sense.

He nodded. "You remember?"

I shook my head. "No, not really. A little bit. Nothing important."

"Don't lie."

I shook my head and my hair fell into my face. His hand reached and brushed it away. "Really, I'm not."

He continued. "I know that you tried your best to fix things. You tried to be the Blair from before. Always looking your best and making sure that the apartment was perfect. You got an interior designer to redo the entire place."

I reached up and placed my hand on his chest. "Keep going."

He smiled slightly and nodded. "Do you know how I knew that it was all fake? That this Blair I kissed every night was only a mask? You didn't let the designer, Luci, touch Dylan's room. The door stayed closed except when Dorota went in to clean."

I nodded. "He's gone, isn't he? Dylan really isn't coming back."

I knew that it was crazy to ask. But is it ever easy to face something _that_ painful? I know now that losing a child is the worst thing you could ever experience. It hurts more than a broken arm, running a marathon, and childbirth put together. The difference, and this was also hard to admit, is that the pain in all those other things doesn't last forever. For the rest of my life, I'll be crying and missing my little baby boy.

Chuck shook his head and let a few tears fall down his face. "No, Blair, he isn't coming back."

This was it. The single fact that I needed to accept. Once accepted, I would be as free as I could be. Would I ever be comletely free of this? "Okay."

He nodded, leaned in, and kissed me on the forehead. "Okay."

-X-X-

Two days later, we put our apartment up for sale. It was sold within two weeks, forcing us to finally pack up everything. The room we saved for last was Dylan's. I carried the five empty boxes in and sat on the floor for an hour, smoothing over the fur on his favourite teddy bear. Then I forced myself to begin packing.

I folded his tiny polo shirts neatly and placed them into one of the boxes. The tears had dried up that final night between Chuck and I. My heart still ached when I thought about all the years I had ahead of me, living without him. Another part of me warmed at the idea of spending those years with Chuck and our _possible_ future children. It wasn't something we had discussed but were we really done? No, I hoped we weren't.

Chuck walked in, halfway through, and we made love right there on the floor. If it had been any other situation, I would never considered it. It was Dylan's room, for God's sake. But whenever I felt that tightening in my chest, I would think back to Chuck's words that night. _He isn't coming back._ This room and these tiny clothes are nothing more than _things_. They aren't him and they don't belong to him anymore. I just hoped that, if heavan existed, God covered my son's eyes for moments like these.

-X-X-

_We're at his beach house on South Africa's western coast. It's in a tiny little vacation town, a maximum of about five hundred people at Christmas time, and I wouldn't want it any other way. We are the only two people in the town until next tuesday. We spent the morning in bed and this afternoon in the ocean, naked of course._

_"Do you trust me?" Dieter says, passing me a flashlight. He's busy digging through the boxes of hiking equipment he keeps in the shed behind the house. _

_With a smile and nod, I say, "With my life."_

_He seems pleased with my answer and motions to the thick woods to his left. "Tonight, instead of going to bed early, we're going on a little adventure."_

_"What kind of adventure?" I raise an eyebrow suspiciously. "You know I'm not a hiker or climber or good at anything that requires some kind of athletic skill."_

_He continues to dig and laughs as he does it. "It's dark, Blair." _

_"Exactly, why the hell are we going into the _forest_ while it's dark." __Bent over, his ass, lifted into the air, is only a few feet from me. I step forward and nudge it with my knee. "Unless you plan on leading me to my death. Planning on murdering me, Dieter?"_

_He turns around and stands really close. His face is inches from mine while he speaks. "If I wanted to kill you, Blair, I would done it already. We're the only two people in town, remember?"_

_I laugh._ "_Oh, thank you for clearing that up! I feel so much safer walking into the creepy woods with you now."_

_"I thought you trusted me." His arms are on my hips as he pulls me into him._

_My answer comes into the form of a kiss. This is my way of showing him how much I really do love him._

_"Are you ready?" Dieter swings a backpack over one shoulder and turns on his flashlight. _

_As I turn mine on, I nod. "Just promise that when you kill me, you won't cut me up into little pieces, please."_

_He grabs me hand and laughs. "Okay, I promise."_

_And we are off. _

-X-X-

I had these kinds of dreams almost every night. They usually included Dieter since I spent most of the last five years with him. We went all over the world, spending weeks in places like Spain and the Maldives. These memories were both romantic and heartbreaking. Dieter was so sweet and really did love me. Did I love him? Yes. However, it wasn't for the right reasons. I was using him as a way to escape from all of the pain. I _loved_ that he could make me smile and laugh. While I was with him, I felt a tiny bit better.

I kept these memories to myself. Whenever Chuck asked if I had remembered something new, I would smile and nod. He wouldn't push me for more information, assuming that it wasn't important.

"I have a surprise." Chuck said leading me out through the revolving doors of our apartment building. Our apartment was sold and we were planning on traveling for a bit before looking at new properties.

Parked in front of our building was a dark red Mercedes-Benz convertible. My eyes moved to the U-Haul parked behind the car. Dorota was sitting behind the wheel. She smiled and waved at the two of us.

"I-I thought we were...traveling" I raised an eyebrow and moved forward towards the car. It was absolutely perfect. Living in New York meant that a car wasn't really needed. A car was never part of the New York lifestyle. But if I could have picked any car to drive, this would have been the one.

"We can do that later." He waved his hand through the air. "Right now, I thought we could take a drive down south. Buy a house down by the beach. Maybe Charleston."

"Chuck, we're not Southern people. We're New Yorkers. We like the constant chaos of living in the city."

"Who says we won't enjoy being away from the chaos for a while?" He frowned and sighed. "Besides, I think that the best thing for the two of us would be to move and start over."

_"Dieter, I still don't understand why you brought me out here." I shake my head. We are sitting on the blanket he had pulled out of his backpack. I can see his face glowing in the moonlight beside me. _

_He puts a finger to his mouth. "Be quiet and watch." _

_A few minutes later, I hear a crack and the sound of tiny feet shuffling through the leaves on the ground. A small group of pigs, walking neatly in a line, make their way past us. "Pigs!" I whisper to Dieter as he turns off his flashlight._

_"Bushpigs." He whispers back in my ear. "It's a whole family of them."_

_"You brought me all the way out here to see a bunch of pigs?" The whole thing seems very silly to me. Still, I can't help but smile. _

_"You remember when I told you a little about my marriage? About Juliette?__ I met her six years ago on a trip to America. We were married about eight months later. During our first year of being married, we went through two miscarriages and one stillborn. We were never lucky enough to have a baby born alive."_

_I know that he is talking about the fact that I was lucky enough to actually give birth to a healthy baby. Didn't he understand that none of it mattered anymore? My baby still died in the end. _

_"We divorced because of it. She said that she couldn't put her children in her past because each time she looked at me, she saw them."_

_"What about you? What did you see when you looked at her?" I ask him._

_He blinks, considering this, before leaning closer and kissing me. For a second, he pulls away, holding each side of my face in his hands. "What do you think I saw in her?"_

_His question leaves me startled. What did I think he saw in his wife? Was it the same thing he saw right now, looking at me? One thing I was certain about: Dieter was more than capable of loving another person. "I believe you saw the woman you loved. Obviously, you saw her as the mother of your children. But I think you also saw a woman who you knew couldn't be fixed. Or at least, you couldn't be the one to fix her."_

_He nods and a tiny smile forms across his lips. "Who do you think is the one who could fix her?"_

_I frown and think it over for a few seconds. At this point, the reason for this conversation has become clear to me. We aren't talking about Juliette anymore. This is about him and me. My heart begins to race and I can feel tears stinging my eyes. Oh God, I think, he's breaking up with me. "Herself, I think. She needs to fix herself."_

_He nods again but this time without a smile. The pained look on his face tells me this isn't easy for him either. "I'm sorry, Blair."_

I nodded.

Chuck smiled and took a step toward the car. "Ready?"

"Yes."


End file.
